The last twelve months of my not so professional career...

Wow, it’s been forever since I last blogged! Do you ever feel like so much has happened however you’re in the same position as you were back when? If so, you can relate and if not, then lucky you. The reason that I am now blogging is because I currently have an amazing amount of free time.

So, welcome to my world! On Friday, just eight days before Christmas, I got fired. Merry Christmas! Yes, that was some sarcasm but it was also one of the things that I was required to say when answering the phone and giving salutations to customers at my last place of employment. (My RVP actually greeted me that way knowing that I was about to be fired. I’m working on being more of a lady even though I have the mouth of a sailor so you can only imagine some of the things that I’m holding back right now.) Merry Christmas because that’s what Christians say; not happy holidays or season’s greetings but Merry Christmas because we celebrate the birth of Christ. Hi pot meet kettle. It turns out that the birth of Christ is more like the bottom line and being able to drive sales in a downward spiraling economy, at least that’s what I’m being led to believe based on the recent decisions made by the company that I used to work for. For the record, I’m experiencing a peace like I haven’t felt since before I began this job and I truly believe that this is a blessing and that better things are on their way. So here we go...

Last year, around this same time, I had just given my notice at one job and decided to accept another job taking a major pay cut but knowing in my heart that I was doing the right thing. I fasted for two weeks to make sure that my heart was right and that I was in fact doing the right thing. They say (I’m not exactly sure who ‘they’ are but I know I’ve heard this said before by people) usually if it’s God directing you it’s something that you question and don’t just jump on the wagon after. Almost $10K less annually and no health benefits really made me think about what I was contemplating. (Benefits were supposed to be in place within 3-6 months. “Supposed to be” being the operative phrase.) But, the idea was something that I just couldn’t shake. Confirmation was thick in the air all around me. So, I changed jobs and miraculous things began to happen. All of my needs were provided for and I was able to give like I had never given before.

Several months later I felt like I was about to move. I knew that the company had a new store opening in Huntsville but nothing had been mentioned about me going there. I just had that feeling once again, and knew that I was going to be moving to Huntsville, not that I wanted to, but that’s where I was supposed to be. A few weeks later, I got an offer and in May, I uprooted from Birmingham and moved to the Rocket City. The store opened Memorial Day weekend and we hit the ground running. We were well received by the city and did some amazing numbers throughout the summer. By mid August we were already at the half mil mark for volume. But, when summer began to wane so did our customers and our volume. I had some really good days in the months to come but those good days can’t make up for all of the terrible, horrible, not so good days. The sales plans were set high and in my opinion unrealistic for a new store in a new market.

Months went by and we weren’t making our numbers. It’s hard to sell to people who aren’t present. Things began to spiral downhill, my morale, happiness and job satisfaction, just to name a few. I had no support from my RVP who never answered his phone and whose voicemail was always full. The only time he contacted me was to pull associates from my store to travel and do new store openings.

The little things (like still not having benefits, for one) began to build up and add to my current state of discontentment. My personal state began to be altered and not in a good way. When your work makes you lose your religion and need an altar at least once a week, it’s probably time for a change. The straw that broke my back was the day that I realized my assistant made $44 less than me per week. My pride was hurt and my heart was broken; I felt foolish, under appreciated and taken advantage of.

Money was an issue from day one. I took a massive pay cut because I knew that it was a new company with a good concept and that my hard work would pay off and I would one day, when the company was more solid, make what I knew that I should. The offer for Huntsville was low and negotiated to the point that I was told it was no longer negotiable. They said that what was offered was more than fair not to mention the percentage increase above what I was then making as well as a friendly reminder that I had only been with the company for a few months and was now being given this amazing opportunity. It was one thing to not be making a competitive salary when I thought that everyone else was on a similar pay scale but it’s a whole different story when you find out that you are the only one being underpaid. Especially when you think about the 45-60 hours that you are working in comparison to the 38-41 hours an assistant works not to mention the difference in the amount of accountability and responsibility that comes with being a store manager versus an assistant.

I was livid. The more that I thought about the situation the more my blood boiled. I came home that night broken and angry and wrote a letter of resignation. I never turned it in; it just didn’t feel right. I continued going to work and just let it go. I knew that there would be a right time to bring it up but until then I would continue to do my job to the best of my abilities. We hit $1 mil within a few days of our 6 month mark. To me that’s quite an accomplishment to be the 3rd store in the entire company and to be in a new location. But at that time we were already 200k (17%) behind plan for the year.

Last Friday, a day that I will always remember because it will most likely be the only day ever, at least I hope, to have been fired. They sent the new guy, Director of Stores is what I believe is his title (who is also the daddy of store #4’s SSM) to do the dirty work. He lured me in the back with his “I’d like to get to know you/meet and greet” tactics. It was quick, like the removal of a bandaid or hair removal wax. He led by saying that as I am already aware, the store is not meeting projected sales goals and I have been unable to drive sales. It was unanimously decided that they, the company, would be going in a new direction as far as store management effective immediately and that I was being terminated. As he spoke, my RVP sat in silence witnessing the entire thing like he had been castrated and was choking on his balls. Side note: He was probably wishing that the corporate recruiter, who it is rumored that they are having an affair, was sucking on his balls. Bad me. See it just slips out sometimes-no matter how hard I try. But yeah, Friday, just eight days before Christmas, that’s when I got fired. Merry Christmas!

So an entire year later, with lots of memorable experiences and several learning curves, I am in the same position: in between jobs just as I was last year. Weird how that happens...like Groundhog Day. Anyways, I hope you have enjoyed your visit to my world. Either you’ll relate or appreciate the going ons in your own world a little more ;)

And like GloZell says, “Peace an blessins, peace an blessins!”

For Love or for Money

I used to always joke around and say that I would be married multiple times. I would marry first for money and later for love so that I could have the best of both worlds. It's funny in an ironic way because in a way I was kind of right. Though I haven't yet been legally married, not even once, I have experienced the choices of love or money in my career choices. What I have learned through these experiences I will definitely carry into my relationship choices. (And the fact that there was old Jeff and he made me realize that I could not by definition be a gold digger or have a sugar daddy. For sure! Money was not THAT important and other things DO count!)

I am happier now than I have ever been before and I make less money than I ever have before. When I accepted my current position, I said that God was taking away my beer money. I guess that could still be true but I go out and enjoy life just as much if not more on my tighter budget. Maybe, also, because I have re-prioritized my life and things that used to be important aren't that important anymore. I also realized that when I did have a lot more money I didn't use/spend it very wisely so I'm learning how to do that now.

I am doing something that I have always loved doing but I am doing it in an environment and with a company that is so incredibly different and inspiring that I can't help but be inspired myself. The traits that I desire in a husband are the some of the many traits that I have found in my job which leads me to believe that I am on the right track.

I am a SATC fan and Carrie once asked in her column "Can we have it all?" I have awesome friends and an awesome job. I'm still waiting for that third thing, so in some ways I'm in her shoes and in other ways I totally wish I were! (Blahnik, Choo and Louboutin are not in the budget.)

So for love or for money, I'm choosing love and hoping the money will come.

In the Bonds and Out in the City

2011 has been an awesome so far and I know that it has just begun. So, I don't want to jinx it but I'm going to say it anyways. The last couple of weekends have been crazy amazing and filled with awesome people and fun times to the max! Yes, there's been some drama but that's life and it's overall been good, real good. So this past weekend we celebrated a milestone, ZN's 20th year anniversary. That means DG reunion! Whoop whoop! Fargher came from Cali, Tidmore from the Big Apple and Smiles from the PCB. Even locals that don't come out made an appearance. Look out, the girls are back in town! We had a blast and I have the pictures to prove it. (Be afraid girls, be very afraid.)

Let me also mention that amongst us were several pregnant women and dinner was a buffet. That being said there was almost a brawl over a misunderstanding of cannoli, one was trying to dance her baby out and the other was reminiscing about how she tried to convince a student to give her her baby if she didn't want it.

Later in the evening, Fargher gave in and decided to try and work out the crick in Tiff's neck. This caused some rubbernecking not because it was odd but because sounds were being made like that off of a homemade porno. Names were being screamed and there were many "oooooohs" and "ahhhhhhhs" and "right theres" and "don't stops." And that's how the toot it and boot it convo happened!

Randomness From A West Coast Cutie

F: "Toot it and boot it, you know what that is, right?"

Everyone else: "Huh?"

F: "You know, hump it and dump it? F$@! and chuck"

Everyone else: "Umm, no"

F: "It's a song, but more than a song. It's my life motto!"

Oh, I forgot about the meat! After the massage and before the toot it and boot it, Fargher picked up a piece of cubed meat. She held it in her hand and looked Mayree square in the face. She then asked her "You want some meat" and opened her hand to reveal the cube. So gross and so funny all at the same time!

Last call means let's move this party elsewhere. So at last call we decided to move on. A request had been made earlier in the evening for fruitloops. I made the call in the car and they were chilled and waiting for us upon arrival. Little to no shenanigans were had this weekend just fun times to be remembered. Shenanigans were last weekend but that's a whole other story!

A Common Tread

Since totaling P. Soph, I have been on a car hunt for the past several weeks. For those who know me, I’ve been on a man hunt all of my life and and more recently and specifically a husband hunt. Tonight the light bulb came on bright and I realized that there is a common thread in my taste for cars and men. Wait for it. Wait. Boom! High maintenance and unreliable but they look oh so good! In both aspects I’m always advised against what I want for those reasons (maybe not exactly in those words but it all boils down to about the same thing.) After this wonderful epiphany, I am left thinking about my options. Car options specifically because that is priority right now. And did I mention I’m trying to stay within a very limited budget? Yes, you heard right. That’s what I said. Me, on a budget! Absurd, right? It’s difficult but I’m going to do it; I’ve got my mind set and that’s all. I still want to believe that on the topic of both man and car there is something that is attractive, dependable and reasonably maintainable close to home and within what I am willing to give. So the search continues... Wish me luck ‘cause I’m gonna need all I can get!

It's so hard not to stare but I don't wanna be gang banged...

So here I am in the dirty dirty gulf. Literally people, I'm in Gulfport, Mississippi. I'm here for training. Yay! I'm no longer unemployed! (insert happy dance) Now, take away the happy dance and focus on where I just said that I am. Okay, back to reality. After training for 12 hours today I decided that I needed a margarita and I wanted some Mexican food for dinner. I mentally prepare myself to do this all alone and get to the restaurant only to realize that they close in about 10 minutes. I get in my car and leave because surely there's another Mexican restaurant somewhere close. Nope. Nothing besides 2 Taco Bells. So I U-turned it for the 2nd time in like 30 minutes and decided on an Applebee's.

1. I knew there was a bar

2. I knew they would still be serving food and

3. Because it happens to be close to my hotel.

So I get out of the car and get majorly stared down by some sketch looking white guy talking on his cell phone outside. I go in and sit at the bar with open seats on both sides of me. On my right is an average looking white guy with a weird mole thing on his face reminding me a little of Jeff, not old Jeff, the young really bad set-up one. And to my left 4 or 5 big dudes that resembled part of any football team's defensive line. As I sat down I heard all kinds of noises and comments coming from the guys to my left and I told myself that they were talking about stuff on the menu. Then sketch from outside comes in and sits to my left between me and 'the team.' Sketch starts talking to 'the team' and I decipher that he is a cross between nascar and a slim shady wannabe. His convo consists of words like boi and aight and wit and da. For real I heard him say, "Mān (sounds like: main) this be off da chains" and he was talking to 'the team' about Kobe Bryant and LeBron James and some beef they've got going on. Mole guy leaves. I order a drink. The bartender must know that I am totally out of place and brings me a shaker full of goodness! Slim Nascar Shady leaves. I happened to look to my left and swear that dude is smiling at me with a glow in the dark grill! I wanted so bad to look again but thought to myself, "Don't do it! Straight ahead, just look straight ahead." It was so hard not to stare, but at the same time I didn't wanna get gang banged! So I did what any girl in her right mind would do...

I finished off my shaker of goodness, paid my tab and high-tailed it out of there!

GBT 2010: The Tradition Continues

What is equivalent to SEC football? A tradition as sacredly honored as Auburn and Alabama tradition? That’s right, there’s just one thing: our yearly GIRLS’ BEACH TRIP!!! To some, it’s just fun but to most it’s a week of sanity, laziness, lushiness and great company. For any who have had the chance to join us on our yearly adventure, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And for those who have never been initiated into our tradition you can only hope to be invited in the future. (Depending on the economy we may start accepting bribes! lol)

I, alone, am a force to be reckoned with, so just imagine me with some of my nearest and dearest! All year long, we look forward to this one week . It’s our grown-up Christmas. I say this because as a child you look forward to Christmas and as you get older you still enjoy the holiday but you realize that Christmas has strings. It’s not just Santa Claus and being good all year-or at least just from Thanksgiving on. It becomes about gift giving and excessive spending and parties and stuff that you never had to worry about as a kid. So, our beach trip is like Christmas. Strings are cut. Husbands and boyfriends are left behind. Just a week of pure enjoyment. You want Swiss Cake Rolls and beer for breakfast, you got it! Wanna snack all day without counting calories, consider it done! Get a massage, shop, and watch a Jersey Shore marathon? That’s what we’re here for! From trashing dresses and dancing like Beyonce on the beach to stealing, I mean borrowing, bicycles for photo shoots. We do what we want!

This year the trip was a little different than most because our trip coincided with another trip planned from some Birmingham local boys. So for one day and one day only our girls’ trip was invaded by two dingleberries. (I know what dingleberries are but I use the term out of context because I like it and think that it’s fun to say. So to me it’s a term of endearment.) The boys came and played for the day. There were drinks, shenanigans on a small scale and we even got in the ocean!

**Side note: We are pool girls! I think that this was the first year that any of us have gotten in the ocean more than ankle deep.

cont...Like I said, drinks: self explanatory; shenanigans on a small scale: oh, yes! Stories to be told. Alcohol, game and a pole...an unexpected combination?

Got you feeling loose...Got you in the zone Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol. That being said (NG)² was getting her flirt on (slurring about the Russians!) and stubbed her toe on a structural pole. A more expected version of the unexpected combination. There was also a mini version of a one handed bra unclasping competition, but that was random and is a little fuzzy. And then, there was the ocean. MB and I do not like getting in the lake and do not do it unless totally necessary. We have similar feelings towards the ocean. But, when your day starts off with alternating Fruit Loop and Jello shots the day becomes an unexpected blur of things you might not do sober. Thus the ocean. We got in and stayed in for quite awhile and admittedly had a fun time. We were in the company of Tiff and the boys and had some interesting conversations about sharks, my epic fail on match making, politics and the fact that Lukie-doo was trying to snorkel with the straw from one of his many margaritas.

...Now put your hands up Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,oh Thats, right! Beyonce’s Single Ladies got danced on the beach in broad daylight. Two white girls just shakin’ what their mamas gave ‘em! This was after a karaoke performance of Aretha’s A Natural Women performed by our own “30 year old (kind of, but not really) virgin,” (NG)². All of this singing and dancing attracted quite a crowd. One man in particular, was a neighboring beach squatter who took very kindly to us. He was a the kind of major creeper that if you saw him at night you might conclude that he could quite possibly be homeless. This assessment could also be made in the daylight. He was leathered and rough looking and trying to bum cigarettes and beer from us. He scooted closer and continued to try and have conversation with us. He finally got the message and left. Shortly after, we too packed up and went in to get ready for year two of “Trash the Dress.”

Girls’ Beach Trip began the summer of ’07. Since then, there have been some changes, like location, the participants and marital statuses. The last of these things spawned its own little tradition. Stuff happens and “happily ever after” doesn’t always work out like Disney taught us to believe. But as adults you have to accept these kinds of things and move on. Last year was the first year that a wedding dress was trashed. It belonged to a divorcée who had just a week prior met her soon to be next husband. The old dress was trashed and less than a year later she was in a new dress. This year, just weeks after the final divorce decree, the dress of another was trashed. This ceremony of sorts, is liberating and auspicious to moving forward and doing it in a way that is fun and memorable with people who you know will always stand next to you when you’re wearing a white dress no matter what the circumstance.

Verde’s Clues also began this year in the car on the way to the beach. MB and I received a joint gift of a green notebook and a sparkly glittery pen. The purpose was to keep track of all of the crazy things that often come out of our mouths during our girl trip adventures. Let it be known that during this time sensors and filters do not exist. So with a newly wed, a ‘trying to get pregnant on purpose,’ a nympho, a virgin and two might-as-well-be virgins...Verde’s Got Some Sexually Frustrated Clues!

• I just suck and swallow.
• The door does close, just in case...
• ...the touch of wood
• Oh, my! I only have on my pj’s and no bra.
• That’s okay all you have to do is pump.
• I wanna make a transaction; swap some funds...
• Your penis isn’t on the radar either...she can’t see it coming.
• I don’t just go one way, I go multiple ways.
• This won’t come/cum (hmm) in my mouth.
• JMJ 2010: Jesus Mayree and Jello
• That spoon would not lead to a fork.
• I can’t swallow those big ones.
• I’m drunk. I think I like those hornsberry things.
• Are you’re panties wet? Oh dear, It’s all wet!
• Throw that shit over a bush.
• It’s so cool and smooth. I just wanna waller all over you.
• I wanna get on and ride it.
• I can still taste it in my mouth!
• It’s different in your mouth. It’s thick and slimy.

So there you go! Sometimes Verde's Clues could not be located. And to think that those were just things that we remembered to write down. It was, as always, a very memorable-of what we actually remember-epic adventure! Until next year...

The Signs

Her reputation is very well known throughout the community and is synonymous for being ‘one of those’ difficult kind of women. I, being from a different community, outside of The Village had no idea, but was very quick to find out. I was referred to her by a friend who’s intentions were golden because she too was from outside The Village and did not know the extent of Queen-stein’s way.

An interview was scheduled and I met with the P & Q-stein. The interview went well and was full of fluff and empty promises for a promising future that would never come. Towards the end of our first meeting Penis-stein gave me some “fatherly advise” about my resume. It was a modern format where your contact information is located at the bottom of the page. He did not pay attention to that detail and advised that contact information should be somewhere on the resume. I then informed him that it was and that he had just overlooked it.

The second interview was different and very nonconventional. I was asked to manually write a merchandise ticket, a sales ticket and to gift wrap a package. Now, is it just me or can most people old enough to drive do these things? I am a college educated adult who has been in the workforce for almost a decade and this was my second interview. The job at hand solely depended on my handwriting and gift wrapping skills! At the end of this session I was asked in the office and offered a position and a salary. I accepted. I can only say in my defense that I was blinded at the time by the sweetness of a 9:30 to 6 workday and rarely a Sunday. Anyone ever working in retail knows that this is a very desirable schedule. I’ve even heard it referred to as Retail Heaven.

In the beginning, I thought it was odd that everyone was so concerned about how my day was and how I liked my job. It may too have been the way that they asked in such an inquisitive way. For several days, I just thought that everyone was being so kind and welcoming. In hindsight I realize that these were red flags and I being so naive missed every single one of them!

At first, it was all nice and way too easy. You’ve heard the phrase “Too good to be true.” That’s exactly what it was. I went from being treated to lunches at least once a month and small treats here and there to being reprimanded for using expensive ribbon on a sale package. Expensive being defined as ribbon that she purchased versus ribbon that was provided to her from the store that we co-habited within.

There was one instance in particular that I consider the beginning of the end. I had only been working for a few months and it was getting close to holiday time. She was in her office and I was helping a customer with some sale merchandise. The customer requested that the purchase be gift wrapped so after ringing the sale I began wrapping. She came out of her office and saw the customer that I was helping and saw that I was wrapping a gift. She looked at the ticket to see what I had sold as I was finishing the bow. I gave the customer their package, thanked them for coming in and wished them a happy holiday. As they exited the store she turned, looked at me and snapped,

“I know them. That was sale. You used the wrong paper and too much ribbon and you gave them a sticker. Sale items should be wrapped in store paper not my paper and store ribbon not my ribbon. And they should not get a my sticker on their package! You shouldn’t wrap sale items. Don’t waste your time wrapping sale items. They can wrap it themselves. They already got a discount on it.”

Shocked and feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me, I just stood there searching for words and reason for this ridiculousness. Finally I was able to muster up an okay all the while thinking this woman is going absolutely nuts over 1/8 of a piece of tissue paper, a foot and a half of ribbon and a sticker! Are you kidding me? Shut the front door! Only after reiterating this several times to make sure that I fully understood did she then go back into her office.

About ten minutes later I greeted another customer who was also looking at the sale merchandise. She made a purchase and requested that I gift wrap the item. Still raw from just being reamed about this I politely said no and explained that I could only wrap regular priced merchandise. She said that was fine, she understood, took her package and left. Queen-stein comes out of her office and inquires about the sale. She looks at the ticket and asks if I gift wrapped the package. I answered, “No, she asked and I told her the policy.” She then tells me that I should have wrapped the package. She knows her a long time and I should always wrap her package whether it is sale or not because she likes that customer.

At this time, the appointed Store Manager, Bridget, steps up to bat for me. She has witnessed both of my reprimands and explains to Queen-stein that I am new and I was just doing as I was told. She also said that the rules that are made should apply to everyone so that there is no confusion. As Bridget is talking, Queen-stein is snarling and biting her tongue and it looked as though her head were going to detach from her body and explode into a neighboring galaxy. About half way through Bridget’s plea for me, she got cut off and reprimanded herself for arguing about the rules. She was then confronted as to whether she felt ill because she had an attitude and obviously didn’t want to be at work. Then she was told to go home. She retaliated saying that she felt fine and there was no reason to go home. She had just wanted to clarify the rules. She was not ill and she would work until the end of the day. Go Bridget!

Shortly after this confrontation, Bridget and I were summoned by Queen-stein and told that we could gift wrap using our own discretion. But at the same time being told to only use the ‘good’ ribbon and paper for regular merchandise only, unless it was a finer piece of sale merchandise. These packages were allowed a sticker too. Lucky them.

That day was the first of many days that her true colors came out and were visible through her wardrobe of black. And on several occasions after this, the rules of gift wrap were amended. The gift wrap rule and all of the rules, I quickly learned, could be changed at the drop of dime. I attribute this particular incident as the one where the hatred of my job truly began to take root.