A Prom Birthday:Another Year Off Like A Prom Dress

Originally written January 4, 2007

PROM! How exciting! For those who don't know let me explain. My birthday is in 4 days and normally I have birthday week and a birthday trip. This year however, I cannot have a birthday trip because of work related circumstances and deadlines so my presence is mandatory. Instead I am having a themed birthday and the theme is Prom! Prom is going to be on January 10, 2007. Pre-Prom preparation (hair, nails, makeup, etc) will begin that morning and continue into the afternoon. Then my girlfriends and I will be putting on our formal gowns and heading out to dinner and drinks all over Birmingham!

Now, some of you might think that this is totally silly and random and that just means that you don't know me very well at all. I'm so excited and it's going to be tons of fun, in fact it will be way better than prom beacuse everyone is legally old enough to drink this time around =)

Age is just a number, it doesn't define who I am. Just because you get older doesn't mean you have to become old, so throw on your prom dresses and get ready for a good time!

Originally written January 11, 2007

We waited forever and it finally came...Prom! the biggest night of my whole year! So yesterday was prom and the girls and I began at 10 am and were "off like prom dresses." We started with nails and after our nails were done we were going to pick up some lunch. The other Angela had driven a separate car and was dilly dallying in her car in the parking lot. I decided to mess with her and throw myself on the back of her car like she had hit me. She started flipping out so I ran to the window laughing and she rolled it down and started yelling "Angela! Don't do that, you know I'm a bad driver and I thought I really hit you! And then I realized the car was in park and thought the car was malfunctioning!" It was hilarious!

Anyways, so we grabbed lunch and then we went to get out hair did. We then headed to get the make up done and decided to get fake eyelashes(they're the new thing, you know) Well, the makeup artists were not allowed to put the lashes on for us because of liability reasons, they tried to help us but there was an eyelash nazi who kept reprimanding them via headset for doing it for us so we had to help eachother. You have to put glue on the lashes and apply them on as close to your real lashes as you can and let them set for a few seconds before you open your eye. I did Angela's left eye first and it was great, then I did her right eye and thought that I had done a fabulous job so I went to purchase some products. The next thing I know, Rebecca comes running up telling me that Angela cannot open her eye because it's glued shut! OMG I glued her eye together! I felt so bad and she had tears running out of her eye. After it was all said and done it was funny and we totally laughed about it but I felt really bad. We finally got ourselves together and headed home to put on our dresses.

Once we were ready, we took tons of pictures! Real prom pictures, like on the stairs and in front of the fireplace, front, back, together, you name it we did it. Then I opened my birthday presents! I got some really cute stuff and couldn't have asked for anything better-Thanks Girls! And out the door we went to meet our dinner chaperones Flower and Stephen. They were waiting for us at the Olive Garden (because that's where people go for Prom). Dinner was good, lots of fun random conversation and then our bar hopping adventure began!

We started at the Blue Monkey, one of my favorite bars with one of the best bartenders in Birmingham, and had martinis. Then we headed to the north side of town and went to a new bar called Speak Easy that is owned by a friend of a friend. And onward to the Lakeview District we went. We arrived at the Barking Kudu and had birthday cake and FruitLoops! Jared came and then Barry and his posse and then Megan and Heather. There were even surprise bags with candy jewelry and big fun rings! We all wore our rings and candy jewelry and had tons of fun and took millions of pictures (hopefully they'll be up soon!) It was a fantabulous good time, even better than real prom! Best birthday EVER!

I Heart Us: A Beach Trip to Remember!

Originally written July 23, 2007

Sometimes a little girl time is just what you need. Some college friends and I planned a beach trip to Destin and had the time of our lives! We had drinky drinks, snacky snacks, nappy naps and smoky smokes all day everyday! It was just like college all over again, just for a little while.We made tons of new memories and took pictures so that we wouldn't forget! Here's a recap of some of our fun times and lessons learned:

Giddy up as Jiddy Up: Because sometimes a 'G' can make a 'J' sound!

And the Best Eater Award goes to...Jay Ellett presented by the Mohawk

2 trips to the ER: 1 for a Ltab seeker (lol) and 1 for an unidentified insect sting on the eyelid

It's not hard to chase firemen. You see the truck, U-Turn it and they'll lead you straight to their humble abode and take you to the other hotties!

A swamp filled with foam is no more fun than any other swamp

You can unintentionally become a sex kitten and all you need is a shaggy rug

You cannot exit The Wharf through the men's restroom, right Michelle? We don't call her Smiley for nothing!

Tiffani came along just for my entertainment! I dressed her up, spent her money, and made her a picture whore.

BA got addicted to Myspace aka Crackspace

Mushrooms and Ranch, not a good drunky drunk snack or a great combo to regurgitate

You can do everything at WalMart even research career opportunities! It's a long process and they offer great benefits however I was unable to complete my application.

Every girl needs a gihugic hat. It can come in handy when you're underdressed, they're fun to reshape, and they make cute pics.

It's impossible to find a key on the beach at 4am in the dark. Did I mention that the key was in my bra before I decided to flash you?

Oh, unforgettable fun times! I HEART US and am thankful for my girls, my sisters, my friends. But sadly we had to leave and once again go our seperate ways...at least until next time!

A WILD Weekend in Baton Rouge

Originally written November 12, 2007

Oh, my! Where to begin? Last week I received a phone call from my friend Kimberly inviting me and some friends down to Baton Rouge. Her boyfriend is the Pi Kappa Phi house dad and the plan was for us to stay in the frat house and tailgate for the LSU Homecoming game. We left Friday and began partying upon our arrival to the house.

Side Note: Tiffani, Rebecca and me---All single girls staying in a frat house Can we say trouble?!?!?!

Several drinks and introductions later I was a rice cooking baby mama who had been impregnated with twins by a tall dark and handsome Pi Kapp alumni. (hahaha, inside joke!) Tiffani passed out, I went MIA and Rebecca got caught in the act...(the act of what is not to be clarified at this time) and learned why they put locks on the door. We left the house with the Jasons to go to JBs house and returned a couple of hours later. Ben and JT then informed Rebecca and I that we were about to be the first people to ever do the walk of shame INTO the fraternity house. We walk in and Kimberly and Tiffani were concerned about our absence and expected a really good explanation. After some explaining we began drinking (it was game day and when in rome..) and then began to get ready. We partied all day and into the night and then we carashed and the next day woke up and drove home. We had a fun filled weekend with little sleep, lots of drinks, and tons of good times and new memories. Forgive me for the lack of detail, but some things I can't quite remember or they don't make sense because of the sequence that I remember them. But here are some random memories( not all are mine!):

"Ohhh! There some stuff going on in there! I saw it!" -Talley

21 Matt Dunn---Tea anyone? LMAO

"Don't talk to my baby mama like that, I impregnated her with twins!"

Are y'all twins? Which one are you? Were you the one...?

Me giving the bird to Ben and his boys during their gossip fest.

Charlie. =)

I have prizes for you!

Cutt Dogg...in my rice pot! hahaha

...And that’s what friends are for!

Originally written March 16, 2008

According to Merriam-Webster a friend is defined as:
1. One attached to another by affection or esteem
2. One that is not hostile
3. One that favors or promotes something
4. A favored companion
That’s great and I would agree with most of those, however I have my own defining characteristics and here I go...
I’ll begin with the one that I do not fully agree, number 2. Friends can be hostile people (it makes things more fun) as long as they are only hostile to you if and when it is absolutely necessary.

Friends always:
*Celebrate the good times
*Comfort you when going through bad times
*Help you get out of things you accidentally got into all by yourself
*Will be your alibi, no questions asked, but really lots of questions will be asked and you will be expected to answer ALL of them
*Make sure you have lipstick .. you go home with a doctor
*Tell you if you don’t look cute (because it makes them look bad if they’re with you and you look bad)
*Are willing to do things that sometimes they don’t want to do
*Want the best for you (even if they are jealous sometimes, and they will admit when they are jealous)

Friends never:
*Let you hook up with uglies
*Leave you stranded and/or lost
*Judge (at least not to your face)
*Let you drink alone
*Let you stay in one place long enough for your skin to grow on it! Yuck!!!
Okay so there are more things that friends do than things that they should never do and that last one was added in because of current events not because it has happened first hand, or second or even third.

Friends also do the walk of shame into fraternity houses with you and keep baseballs from hitting you in the face. They’ll go down with you drunk and into sticker bushes, laugh at you when you fall down but will always help you up and apologize for things said and done but not quite remembered.
Anyways, the whole point of all this is that friends can turn an unwanted date into a boy=+1 scenario. They can get you really drunk and make him really uncomfortable then lie to him and make him leave so that you can go back and chat up cute anesthesiologists...and that’s what friends are for!

"...I was laughing at myself being funny on drugs"

Originally written June 27, 2008

Shit happens. It happens when we least expect it and it will probably never cease. With age you learn to appreciate all of the shit because if not you're just going to be miserable. It's not really the shit that you appreciate, it's more the results of it and the silver linings. Oh, and the shit doesn't equate to funny unless your bitches are there to remind you of the aftermath. (I do realize that I am saying shit an awful lot but it's because it's one of the few words left that I can still say without paying for it.)

"I was laughing at myself being funny on drugs" Our first example of the funny results of shit happening. This phrase resulted from a memory of rolling through hospital in a new convertible Saturn Sky, ie. the hospital bed. It was prefaced by, "It wasn't the drugs, I was fine and I knew I was being funny." The moral of this is that you go to the ER feeling like you're dying, hours, dollars, lots of drugs and millions of XRAYS later, you're admitted and feeling good. Then you go to surgery, things get removed and you can laugh about in all the days to come.

We have all had those random nights where you go out and have a few drinks and then miraculously you're shit-faced. The next day your memories are fuzzy and you feel like crap. How did that happen? It wasn't intended, but it happened. This is because real friends don't cut friends off because if they did then there would be no black mailing for later and no funnies to tell. Okay, so that's the shit and these are some of the various results: Was he cute? I did what!? Indecent exposure (in both public and private places) Motorboats. Karaoke. Bouncing around on people. Sharpie tattoos. Drunk dialing. Booty calls. The occasional regurgitation. And the list goes on and on and on. Don't pretend like these things have never happened to you!!! If you do you are a liar!

Oh, and let us not forget about horrible first dates! Tom D, Liar Liar and Mr. Voyeurism are my top 3. Only 1/3 of these guys did we know was a no-go from the beginning, but that's what you get for not paying attention and not listening. Oh, but the fun memories that came from all of these poor guys! A fun drunk night with doctors with a hail storm immediately following (that should have been a sign), a real life experience with Big Fish, both being in Alabama, a coincidence, I think not, and then of course, the Cabbage Patch Factory and the things that were said over dinner...that one night at that place in Trussville.

Dot at the Beach. Shit 4 and this happens all of the time and it sucks! Silver lining is... if you're bloated then maybe you'll get a more even tan and when the bloating is gone, you'll be brown everywhere.

I would love to go on but then I would be late for work! I hope y'all enjoyed reading about some of the shit that has happened to me and my bitches, I'm sure that there will be more! Stay tuned for more fun times...

Summer Lovin’ Makes Me Glow

Originally written July 26, 2008

Of all the people I know, I am the least domesticated one of all. I would rather buy new clothes than to do laundry, I eat out a lot because cooking is not quite my forte, and all my life I've had a cleaning lady, the only exception would be when I was in college.

Every now and again though, I'll get a wild hair and decide to have a dinner party. This only happens about once a year and sometimes only every other year. So I decided on Thursday that I would have a party on Friday. It just so happened that Friday was July 25 and I had a theme: Christmas in July! It was very last minute but everything turned out great. Most of my nearest and dearest were able to attend and the festivities began around 6. My last guest just left and I'm left wondering why I don't do this more often. I cooked Christmas dinner all day and then enjoyed good company all night and we even played dirty Santa. I have holiday traditions that I've practiced for years. Today/yesterday was my very first time to celebrate Christmas in July. We did almost everything like real Christmas except for going out afterwards (something I've done every year since I was in high school!) but it wasn't necessary because most of my friends attended my party.

Sometimes, it's nice just to be able to stay home. I go out frequently and sometimes I feel like the bar is my home (does that mean I have a problem? lol) I guess it's just the change in atmosphere and the change in my age that makes me appreciate nights like tonight a little more every time one of them happens. I always feel more insightful and closer to my friends and family after my domestic modes, or maybe it was just the holiday theme. The holidays always make me feel a little warm and fuzzy (not that I need to be warm, it's so hot outside already!!) but there's just something about them that I love. The memories of holidays past resurface and linger and I can't help but think how much has changed yet how much is still the same. I also think that you can elaborate much more and say and do many things at home that you wouldn't actually say or do in a public place. For example: playing with handcuffs, showing off your new derrière, saying quoted comments like Hill called and said, "I was horny and came by to see your big titties; you said you would be at the pool but you lied" There's just a whole different level of honesty and crassness when you're in your own home. I think the alcohol may have also contributed to several of the conversations.

Summertime, you gotta love it! Summer has come and almost gone so fast. It seems as if gets shorter and shorter every year. Tonight we spoke of loves: new, old, stagnant and those hopefully to come and BJ and I decided that it's summer lovin' that make us glow. I've paid my domestic dues and now I can go back to my crazy self. Merry Christmas (in July) to all and to all a good night!

But occifer I didn’t mean to...

Originally written July 27, 2008

I am so surprised that I haven't been arrested lately! I've been doing stupid things- all by accident of course. I guess my mind is just wandering and I'm not paying attention. And all of my incidents have taken place while I was sober, so I really have no excuse! A couple of weeks ago while I was at the beach I stole a bracelet! I was just trying them on and went to a jewelry store to look at watches and there was a price tag hanging from my arm. I was so embarrassed! It must have gotten lost and mixed in with all of my previously paid for jingle jangles that I just happened to be wearing that day. After purchasing (paying and all!) a watch I ran back to the other store to return the bracelet. I didn't want the people to know that I had taken it by accident so I just put it back on the jewelry fixture and left. Hahaha so that was a funny thing that happened at the beach and then every store that I went into I felt like I should keep my hands in my pockets so that my newly discovered kleptoness would not take over. So then today, I tried to break into a car. It was not my car and I don't know who it belonged to. I was at the mall and I had parked in the parking deck. When I got ready to leave I saw a car that looked like mine and it was parked very close to where I actually parked. I hit the unlock button on my keys and the lights didn't come on. My immediate thought was that my key was broken because the other day I lost my keys and had to use a spare one and that clicker did not work. So I proceed to approach the car and stick my key in it and it will not turn. Then I look in the car and realize that it is not my car! I quickly remove my key and look around to see if anyone saw me do what I just did. Then I look up to see my car two spaces over- I know that this is my car because the lights are on and the doors are unlocked. I get in quickly and drive off knowing in the back of my mind that security somewhere is having a huge belly laugh at my stupidity. And then I hoped to myself that if that were so that they would also get a little choked on their coffee and donuts. I have now included thief and grand theft auto to my personal résumé so if you know any interested parties please let me know. Have their people call my people and we can set something up. lol

My Pool Boy Thinks I'm Hot

Originally written August 9, 2008

Wow! What a last couple of weeks! Last week was Tiff's birthday and we were all out for that and this week was A2's birthday! Tiff's not as big on birthdays as we are so our birthday adventures for her were a little more conservative and low key. I've just been lushy for the last two weeks and I think that it's catching up to me. I'm not a home-body by any means but my poor liver needs a break!

So here's a recap of just this week! There was Barbie, pot smokers, open containers, doctors, cockroaches, boobs, Harper sandwiches, and douche bags combined with a bitch named Dot and lots and lots of alcohol! The only way to describe this week is STICKERBUSH!

It all started on Wednesday. This was a not so good day for the birthday girl so while she was picking up some stuff for me at my house I told her that there was beer in the fridge and to take what she wanted. Whatever it takes to make it through the day is our motto and obviously she thought that beer would help. So she meets me at the mall and walks in drinking her beer. She can because it's her birthday and because she doesn't know that it's illegal. Someone explains to her the law and about 'open container' and she retorts her argument about a bar being a public place and you can drink there. When faced with liquor laws and licensing she says "Well, Ruby Tuesdays has a license and they're in the mall so it's okay! And it's my birthday!" The whole time still drinking her beer. And that's why I love her! We all met at Daves (minus 1) and had drinky drinks, birthday cake and cheese biscuits from Red Lobster. Birthdays are a big deal to us and the cake is very important. The last couple of cakes have not really been the best; they've been poorly decorated and not to Angela Standard. A2's cake was the best looking of them so far however, it wasn't really decorated. Dairy Queen's idea of decorating a cake is to put a paper plate on top top and ice around it. I didn't find this as amusing as some may have but it was okay because she loved it and it was Barbie and she got exactly what she had wanted. Okay, back to Daves. So, girls meet boys. Boys seem normal. Boys get drunk and lose social skills and tact. Boy asks girls if they smoke pot and then ask to go for a walk. Are you kidding me!? Boy is a man that should have grown out of that stage in his life by now. Period. After Daves we headed to Jacksons for dinner and there we saw Dr. Josh! Certain people miss out on things when they don't do what is expected of them. But, one day they'll learn and just suck it up, re-adjust, prioritize and move on-and by that I mean do what we want you to do ..

Moving on to Thursday, the actual birthday day! Yay! Afterwork we met up and went to Bo and Jonathan's to get ready and then headed to the Kudu. We drank a lot and then went home. I'm pretty sure that I was still drunk when I went to work at 9 the next morning. Which brings us to Friday. Jonathan had dinner reservations and we were all going to meet them after dinner for another night of birthday festivities. At dinner Angela got a special surprise, a cockroach decided to come out and say happy birthday to her. She was not very pleased with this nor was she excited about its presence. After their dinner we all met at the Kudu again. After lots of shots and beer things snowballed downhill. There was bra unhooking, boob showing, lots of picture taking and a Harper sandwich witnessed by an unknown person. And apparently I may have called someone a douche bag. Yikes.

This week was definitely a stickerbush week and hopefully a somewhat memorable birthday for my bffforever. And I say somewhat because I know that some memories have been lost and/or repressed! And for those of you who don't understand how the title fits the blog, just ask A2.

A Dating Adventure & 2 Very Important Questions

Originally written October 8, 2008

Tonight served as a learning experience and a test of my spiritual growth and maturity. After describing the events of my night to a dear friend (who has decided to live vicariously through me) she told me something very interesting and it made me think of one of my important questions. To make a long story short, she referred to my evening as charity and I asked her if because it was charity, could I use it to get a tax break?

The other question is something that I somewhat jokingly ask for and that is a gift receipt. Several years ago I was talking to someone about something, who knows what, I don't actually remember but it was probably about a guy or something that isn't really a gift but was none-the-less something that wasn't wanted and I said, "You should ask if that comes with a gift receipt."

The point of this is that there are two questions that can easily help you make a final decision about most things in life:
1. Does that come with a gift receipt?
2. Is it tax deductible?

Think about it. Big life changing questions:
Should I get married?
Should I have kids?
Should I buy real estate?
Should I buy a car, boat, plane, etc?

All of these things are tax friendly decisions, and you may be wondering, "What does any of that have to do with a gift receipt?" My theory about the gift receipt is sometimes you may get things you know you don't want or even things that you thought you wanted, but when it comes down to it, you really don't want it. So even though most of the answers to those questions is "No, it does not come with a gift receipt," it doesn't mean that you can't wish that they did.

Tonight was one of those 'ALL SALES ARE FINAL, NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES' kind of nights. It was something that I was doing to be nice but also something that I have been dreading. I knew that it was going to be nothing less than horrible and a waste of my time. (I'm going out of town this week and have to pack and run errands and go to the gym and really didn't want to waste my time having to go to dinner.) So can I take back an hour of my life? No, but I wish that I could, however it did not come with a gift receipt and though it could be considered charity I cannot write it off. So to do it over again, after asking myself these two questions, my answer would be different. It is now over and I can check it off of my list of things to do and hopefully not have to worry about any future endeavors of the same sort.

Wedding! PCB 2008! Bump it! Blow it up!

Originally written October 28, 2008

It all began with an engagement...Skip ahead to October 2008. So much to look forward to! One last beach trip for this year, a mini vacation, college friends, groomsmen and nuptials! My friend Michelle aka Smiley and her fiance Scott live in Panama City, Florida and decided to have their wedding ceremony on the beach. I was excited to be able to have an excuse to go back to the beach one last time before the year is over and also to be able to get away for a couple of days. The girls and I were looking forward to getting together and meeting up with old friends from college and hopefully making some new friends ;) ;) as well as being able to support our friend in her decision to wed and to be a part of "one of the happiest days of her life."
Tiffani went down on Wednesday and Rebecca and I drove down on Thursday. BA had class and didn't make it until Friday night. Shelley, Keith and Miranda also arrived Friday night. Our bridal itinerary began Friday afternoon with rehearsal followed by rehearsal dinner, panty party aka sock party but traditionally known as a lingerie party. (I say sock party because Smiley sleeps naked all except for her socks. The socks stay on for everything, and I mean everything! Just ask Tiffani! lol). Drinks were also to follow down at the tiki bar. Rebecca and I had our own plans for the day. We had planned to do some shopping because it was a bit overcast and we had to pick up some stuff for the panty party as well as some groceries and last but certainly least we had to get some beverages. :) Rebecca and I finished all of our tasks and began drinking around 2.
Rehearsal: Everything went very smooth and didn't take too long to get things figured out. This was also first sight of the groomsmen for me and Rebecca. Tiffani already knew the guys and she and Smiley were trying to give us the scoop on all of them. It was nice to be able to put a face with a story. They weren't so bad to look at and without the background information maybe they would have appeared more attractive. Yes, I am being judgmental but I have every right to be and I'm about to explain.
Groomsmen: There were six groomsmen including the best man. Two of them were married and the rest were single with at least a ton of baggage and additional issues. One of the four is in school to be and anesthesiologist but is currently a nurse, I think. He's short and I believe sexually deprived but the guys crack gay jokes on him. Another was dating his cousin who he had gotten pregnant but she miscarried (maybe that was a blessing in disguise, hello! incest GROSS!) Oh and that leaves the two R's. One became known as "tight pants" and the other as Auburn and/or Mama boy. Tight pants is self explanatory but his baggage was a cracked out ex-girlfriend and the other got his name for getting in an intense verbal confrontation with Rebecca about football and for going M.I.A. for a long time to talk to what he claimed to be his mother.

We attended the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner, drinks in hand the whole time.
After dinner we headed back to our condo where the panty party was going to be held. Keith, Shelley, Mer and BA had all arrived by this time. While we were doing the panty thing Keith got settled in and began making Jello shots. After the party we all (all of us and the majority of the bridal party and their significant others) met down at the tiki bar and drank and got acquainted and got to catch up with one another. After lots of drinks there were lots of laughs, tears and texts. We closed down the tiki bar and remained down by the pool until about 2 a.m. As we were heading in my phone rang. It was one of the two R's who had gotten my number because one tried to call the other from my phone. The call came after some texts that were also made from my phone inquiring about some things in exchange for some other things, however I did not send the texts and didn't realize until too late what was actually going on. In hindsight it's all very amusing but the point of all of this is that shortly after the phone call the two guys showed up at our door. Around 3 a.m. I decided that it would be best for me not to drink anymore, after all I had been drinking consistently for the last 13 hours. By this time we had also lost most of our peoples; some had gone to bed, some had passed out and others were doing who knows what with who. So we chatted with the guys for a bit and then things got heated. We hit the topic of sports and the shit started flying. Fighting words were said and doors were slamming but everything got resolved in the end and there were no visible hard feelings.

Living Out Loud: A Weekend with Keith Shoemaker

Keith Shoemaker. A trip and a half. Love him! So hilarious. He also concludes most everything with a knuckle bump and then blows it up...pssshhh! Keith and his wife Shelley and Mer all arrived Friday night. Although I had met Keith before I had never really gotten to hang out with him until this weekend. They all had a lot of catching up to do considering that we had all already been drinking since early afternoon. We all met down at the tiki bar and by this time the majority of the bridal party was already shmammered. The best man was passed out in a chair, one of the groomsmen decided to pull out his treasures and one of the bridesmaids was trying to pick fights with people because she thought they were "hating on her" another was trying to score some pot because life hadn't worked out the way she thought it would, and another was upset because of a disbelief in happily ever after and disappointment in society and its depreciated values of "I do." Keith did his best to keep things light by being himself. He instantly came up with names for people. He originated the names Drunk Ashley which later became Drunk Black Ashley and Tight Pants. We filled him in on the cousin situation and jokes were made about the family tree going straight up and not having conflict in where to go for holidays and how it helped minimize your gift giving. Oh! and I almost forgot, he also shared his theory and reasoning about the brown towel.

Saturday was a new day and "The Big Day" for Smiley. After only a couple of hours of sleep, our day started with another knock on the door. This time it was Keith and tray full of jello shots. How considerate of him to bring us breakfast. Yes, 9:54 a.m. and we are already doing jello shots. Prime example of 'hair of the dog.' The bride, her maids and her MOH were all getting ready in or condo so Rebecca, Keith, Shelly, Mer and I all went to soak up some sun. Mer and Shelley went down to the pool while we ate breakfast and packed a cooler. Rebecca and I decided to go down to the beach and set up camp. Shortly after the rest of the gang decided to join us and they were sporting their "Spring Break 2008, PCB, FL" gear. They had stopped on their way and gotten some discounted memorabilia-4 for $20 because it was so last season! =) The beach turned out to be not such a good idea! The wind was blowing incredibly hard and Keith named it Desert Storm 2008. After being completely exfoliated by the blowing sand we decided to go to the pool. Did I mention that this whole time we were still doing jello shots? Because we were. Keith's plan was to have the whole entire tray finished by 11 a.m. On the way to the pool Keith stopped to talk to strangers and offer them jello shots. I thought I was bad about talking to strangers but Keith is on a whole different level! I mean complete conversations, sharing food and drinks and inviting them to hang out! He doesn't just converse with them, he befriends them. So, after talking to these people, we realize that they are from Birmingham and were attending a wedding that had taken place the night before-right before Smiley and Scott's rehearsal. One of Tiff's ex's was attending that wedding and they had run into each other just briefly. Random! Anyways, after talking to those people for what seemed like for-ev-er!!! we finally made it up to the pool and with only eight jello shots remaining! We didn't make the 11 o'clock deadline and at this point we had totally lost track of time. Laying trashed by the pool, Keith decided to start offering jello shots to any and everyone that walked by. He was yelling, "Jello shots? Want a jello shot? They're really good! Just try one!" Then a little boy walked by and he said, "Hey little boy, want some jello?" Rebecca and I were bananas! Laughing so hard! It was so inappropriate and so funny all at the same time. Keith and I finished the remaining shots (everyone at the pool declined, surprised?) and we decided to go back up to the room to drop off the now empty cooler, refill beverages and order lunch.
Tiffani was about to get in the shower and BA was watching football when we came in. BA is a huge Alabama fan and football and Keith informed her that he doesn't like football but sometimes he watches it because his favorite part is the band. BA finally gives up on trying to convert this non-football lover and decided to start getting ready. Rebecca, Keith and I all decided that we wanted pizza from Mellow Mushroom. The problem was that Mellow Mushroom doesn't deliver and we couldn't/shouldn't drive to go and get it ourselves. Keith and his inebriated self began banging on Tiffani's bathroom door and yelling for her to let him inside. She got out of the shower, wrapped herself in a towel, cracked the door and peeped her head out. Keith then asked/begged her to go pick up pizza for us. Thank goodness she has a good sense of humor and a sense of grown up responsibility for all of us. She agreed and we called in our order. It was to be ready in 30 minutes. Tiffani, the MOH, was finished bathing and fixing her hair at this point. The 30 minutes had passed and Keith was anxious for her to leave and go pick up our food. With only half of her hair dry and looking all crazy she went to pick up the pizzas. When she arrived they hadn't even made them up. The girl at the register said, "Those are your pizzas there" while pointing in the kitchen to a man tossing dough. So she had to sit and wait for the pizzas to be made and cooked with people staring at her and her ridiculous hair and thrown together outfit.
When Tiffani left to go get our food, we headed back to the pool. On our way back down there was a lady in the elevator with us and Keith randomly burst out into song. It was funny, embarrassing and totally inappropriate. The song of choice was "My neck, my back..." in the elevator with a complete stranger and yes! he did finish the lyrics and then concluded by announcing that it was the theme song for the weekend. The woman had no choice but to laugh and run for the doors as soon as they opened. When Tiff finally got back everyone but me went up to eat. I like my pizza cold so I decided to stay at the pool. I ended up falling asleep and waking up only because my phone was ringing. After a conversation that I can only partially remember I decided that I should eat some real food and start getting ready for the wedding that was starting promptly at 5:30.
As usual, I was running late. Rebecca and I made in time for the unity ceremony and the vows but missed the beginning, oops. It was a gorgeous ceremony and I was just glad that I was able to walk there. FYI: Jello shots and margaritas all day long are not the best for coordination. After the actual ceremony there was a prayer ceremony on the beach and pictures to follow. Rebecca, Tiff, BA and I decided to have our own mini photo shoot on the beach too. Then we headed to the reception. During the reception two of the groomsmen, the two R's aka Tight Pants and Mama's Boy hooked up with some girls and left to seal the deal. Keith decided that he was going to go and get the last tray of Jello shots and bring them down because the open bar did not have jello shots. Why? We just don't know. After some jello dessert cups and several beverages the party got started and the infamous Dancing Queen was performed!!!!
After the reception we all met at the tiki bar. The prodigal groomsmen returned and the plan was to head to Spin. One of the groomsmen got busted talking about how it would only take him about 45 minutes to take his hook-up home and meet everyone at the club. The other and his hook up were planning to go to different clubs so that worked out well for both of them. The guy who is dating his cousin had gotten in a tiff at the reception because of a phone call from some other guy, probably her brother heehee, so he was ready to hit the club too. Rebecca, Tiffani and I were exhausted so we didn't go with the rest. Shelly and Mer went to bed too.
The next morning was filled with laughter and stories that had happened the night before. Keith, BA, Drunk Black Ashley and Camille didn't get home until 4 or 5 in the morning. They went to Spin, another bar and Waffle House. Some major events were that Tight Pants tried to cut a corner on his bike and got stuck in the sand and flipped his bike but couldn't get off because his pants were too tight. Keith and Drunk Ashley danced with some interesting people and got sandwiched between them, borrowed their hats and then got harassed by them the rest of the night. One of the Rs' crazy ex girlfriends was at the club as he was leaving to hook up with someone else. (Just for clarification, it was not the same girl he hooked up with from the wedding- he had already had her twice and left her on the couch to go to the club. This was someone new.) And at the Waffle House there was conversation of blowing mud, The Golden Girls, Designing Women- Black Man! Black Man! and The Night that the Lights went out in Georgia along with an autographed Waffle House hat.
I am LMAO just at the memories that I recall! I hate that missed out but there was only so much that I could handle. It was real! Bump it...Pssshhh! And then we all headed home.

I wasn’t naked, I was wearing chapstick

Originally written November 19, 2008

Do you ever have those days that start out bumpy but end oh so well? I don't have many days like this because usually when they start out bad it just snowballs from there. However, today was one those days, the bumpy but good kind. I didn't get anything done that really needed to be done but I laughed my ass off and had a good time. Every now and then I think we all need days like this to ground us and just be able to let go; not to worry about trivial things like what to wear or who to be with, why certain people are not calling, why others won't stop calling, whether or not you're doing the right things or heading in the right direction. Days like today make you realize it's not who or what you're wearing or who or what you know, it's about you. Just you. So, wear what you want, be with those who make you laugh, call those you want to talk to, don't answer the ones you don't, do what feels right and eventually you'll get to where you need to be.

Drugs and Emancipation

Originally written December 13, 2008

About Drugs...
I am pro drugs and I live by the philosophy of: "Whatever gets you through the day." If you need drugs and are prescribed the drugs TAKE them! AS INSTRUCTED!!!!! The last part of this is the most important part. Some people have the drugs and over medicate and others have the drugs and refuse to medicate. These people cause me to feel like I need to medicate just to communicate with them. And this now brings us to emancipation.

About Emancipation...
Sometimes I would like to be emancipated from my entire family! They come and go and get disowned but sometimes there are times that they ALL drive me nuts! That time is NOW! (The reason was discussed above; it's all about the pharmaceuticals.) I grew up thinking that everyone's family was like mine and then one day it dawned upon me that my family is SO different from everybody else's. I know that every home environment and family dynamic is different but I can truly say that mine is extraordinarily dysfunctional. I am not saying that I am perfect but it surprises me everyday that I turned out as normal as I am.
And just so you don't think I'm exaggerating, here are some examples of why I would like to be emancipated:
1. A sister who over medicates and calls incessantly all day everyday with texts in between, who doesn't even remember talking to you if you talk to her.
2. A borderline hypochondriac narcissist mother.
3. A sister twice removed that thinks anal sex is the best form of birth control.
4. A brother divorced after 19 years of marriage (10 of which years were said to be excruciating) only to be living with the bitch 2 weeks after the divorce was finalized. Hello! Things don't change overnight!
5. A brother, just legally able to drink, with 2 kids one of which nobody really thinks is his-more like a best friend's that supposedly raped his wife who is known to be promiscuous and quite the adulterer. The "rape" came about after the friend in question began sleeping with the wife's sister.
True life. My life is better than the news! If it weren't my own I might enjoy it more and would think to myself, "Those people are crazy! There aren't people really like that; they're playing it up for entertainment purposes." Unfortunately I know these things as truth, hence my need to want to emancipate.

My Ode to 2008

Originally written February 23, 2009

As I was getting ready for bed, I was thinking about a lot of random things and people. Looking back at events that happened not too long ago seem like they happened forever ago but at the same time, time seems as if it just flew by. For example: Not even a year ago there was a fun incident involving some doctors and later on IHOP and even later than that getting caught in the middle of a sleet storm. That seems like something that happened ages ago, however thinking about it being just last March, I realize how much has actually happened since then and how fast that that one year went by. So here is my ode to 2008!

New introductions, jobs and beginnings
Hookups, breakups and scandalousness
Doctors, pool boys, mama’s boys, firemen and frat boys
and let’s not forget a high school coach streaking through the park!
Birthdays, beach trips and engagements
Weddings, babies, and pool days
Shopping, photo shoots and awards
Drinks, drum sticks and more drinks!
Motorboats and jet planes, car crashes
...and having to literally walk the line.
Road trips, pretend marriages, football and a fiesta.
Firsts, lasts and a lot of you wishes
Endings, mistakes, regrets and lessons learned
and great friends that were there for it all!

Every year gets better than the last. It's all in what you make of things and I know that we're going to make 2009 an even better year!